Grieving a Pet

With an aching heart

Before yesterday…

…I’d forgotten what an aching heart felt like. I suppose I’m lucky not to have had this feeling for quite some time. Then again, that doesn’t make this any easier.

Our hearts are organs, pumping blood throughout our bodies. It sounds so clinical when you think of it like this – an organ that keeps us alive through its methodic pumping and thumping. But a heart is so much more.

It’s where we feel the hurt. The pain from an injury that tears us away from our favourite sport. The sting from a friend who betrays us. The discomfort from a master plan gone wrong. The throbbing after a terrible fight with our partner. And the aching from a loved one we’ve lost.

A speechless bond

I dreaded the day this would happen because I knew it would be one of the most painful experiences my family and I would have to endure. The day our beloved cat, Hank, would say goodbye.

If you’ve ever had a pet who left your life, you know the feeling well. The indescribably painful feeling of letting your companion go.

I believe the bond we create with animals is one of great depth and meaning. Without language to bind us, we find other ways to connect. Through eye contact, touch and daily care, there forms a deep trust, an understanding of one another, a special bond that envelopes our love tightly. It’s an intuitive connection that runs far deeper than words.

When you love so purely

If you’ve experienced different forms of grief in your life, you know that it doesn’t matter who or what it is. If we are people who love wholeheartedly and who give our full selves to the other beings in our lives, then to our detriment, any loss that comes our way feels that much worse. Because we love so purely, so intensely and they in return, the blow comes twice as hard.

“ ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

– – Alfred Lord Tennyson

I do believe this is true, although when you’re in the thick of the hurt, it’s difficult to agree with such a statement because you’ll do anything to make the pain go away.

I’ve been sick to my stomach for three days. Sometimes the hurt is a dull aching pain in my heart. Other moments, it’s a sharp and sudden prong to my body that instantly reminds me what has happened. All I want to do is forget, but I never want to forget him. He was too special, too perfect. A gentle feline soul destined to be rescued by us only to enrich the lives of each of my family members for more than a decade. It was a good chunk of time, my boy, but it wasn’t nearly long enough.

All the things

This was a cat with a motorboat purr.

This was a cat who would snuggle on command, anytime, anywhere.

This was a cat without an evil, sneaky, troublesome, bad bone in his body.

This was a cat who chased socks as though they were mice, and then gifted them to his family members.

This was a cat you could perch atop your shoulder and he’d stay forever.

This was a cat who made the best reading buddy.

This was a cat who was outgoing and friendly to everyone who walked through the door.

This was a cat who would sit with my one-and-a-half-year-old son on the couch every time I had to go upstairs to nurse his little newborn sister before her naps.

This was a cat who fostered a unique and unbreakable bond with every one of my family members.

This was a cat who brought joy to each day.

This was a cat who was impossible to say goodbye to.

This was a cat who taught us a lot about love, connection, calmness and what it really means to slow down and be in the present moment.

And so…

Here I sit. With an aching heart. Forced to carry on without him. I miss him every minute and while I know it will get easier, right now it’s anything but. My heart aches for the pain he suffered in his final days, for the hurt my children feel without his presence, for the sadness my husband and I can’t bear, and for the lonesomeness his feline sister has in his absence.

Sweet Hank, I know you’re on the other side of the rainbow now. Catch those sock mice, run free, play, jump and be your amazing self. Always remember how special you were to us. You are irreplaceable and unforgettable.

I’ll meet you again one day. But until then, I’ll forever keep your paw prints on my heart.